A strong dysfunctional family trait is that parents value your performance more than you.
They are more interested in your results than whether you actually like what you do, or don't.
When you have to do something because it is important for them, and not for you.
Sounds familiar? Read on.
Let me bring you a couple of stories from my own childhood to show you what it is like to be accepted through performance and not as a person.
I was 8-9 years old when my teachers took us as a school to a sport event. We had to perform different kinds of sports such as long jump, sprint, high jump, and so on. I was bigger and stronger than most of my classmates, I have won basically everything.
I went home and my parents asked me (not very enthusiastically and interested) how it had gone, I told them that I had won every event.
Just for the record: when dysfunctional parents recognize that their kid shows some talent for something, they almost immediately try to build a carrier/future on it. A talented kid gives them the opportunity to live their own dreams to be successful and acknowledged, to show off and feel themselves as better, more successful parents as the rest, or at least the other parents in their environment.
So I told them what I did. They asked me what I won exactly, but I had no idea how the events were called. So I told them that I had to jump, and run, and throw some balls.
They found it very funny that I won everything I didn't know the name of, so when they finished laughing they started asking me for the details; if I needed to jump high, or into sand and stuff like these. They figured that this might be my direction in life. Like it or not. Because I had no choice.
So I went into athletic training. They trained me for everything possible. I was jumping, running, throwing, everything I did during the sport event. But there was a huge difference between the two.
At the sport event they said to us: run! Jump! 'Throw as far as you can.'
And I did, and I was having fun. It was just a game! Jumping into the sand was serious fun, I had never done before. I was doing that with a lot of pleasure, having the time of my life.
At the training they talked about technique, form, speed, strength, all things I was not interested in. I jumped, ren and threw, but they were never happy and satisfied with my performance. It was never fast enough, never round enough, never high enough, never far enough.
As a person I did not like sports. I did it at the event because it was fun. Later when it came to perform and they judged me on my performance, I hated it.
My parents were also very unhappy with me, because I wanted to quit every single time they took me to the sportfield. They heard only that I was talented and strong, IT HAD TO BE UTILIZED!
They didn't hear me begging them not to take me back. Their focus was on performance and not on me. They tried to bribe me - which worked very well, as it was more force than bribing. But finally I hated it that much that I didn't care what I was losing on the other hand, I just wanted to stop.
Some years later I had to take piano lessons. I didn't have the intention of playing any kind of instrument, but apparently my mother had. As a child. But as she always said her parents didn't have the financial background to support her piano lessons.
So I had to support her dream to become a pianist by playing myself?!
Do you sense the senselessness?
Well, I played(?) the piano for like two years, and not only that I hated everything about it - the compulsory solfège classes, the practices at home, the sound of that stupid thing, and then the performances for the public and the exam performances - no one cared at home, that I was struggling. Maybe my father had some compassion for me, but maybe for himself, as the piano was located in the living room, he had to 'enjoy' the practices either.
Not only that I had to play the piano for my mom to fulfill her dreams, but because my two nieces were playing it either, with a lot of talent and pleasure. Obviously I was pretty useless as someone who couldn't play the piano, they were my own, personal benchmarks. Because I was always compared to them, and I could never win.
Not only that these things show how parents can ignore the person behind the performance, but at the same time the child will unconsciously feel that the attention of the parent is not directed at him. That he is not that important as the performance and the result he delivers, or is supposed to deliver.
For a child it is very important to be accepted and being taken seriously. When what he does is more important than who he is or what he wants, his trust and importance in himself will get a huge breakdown. He becomes a tool.
I have lost my interest in hobbies and I no longer understood fun. I did not understand that I could do things just for fun, I thought that everything that has no result is useless.
I did not want to do things for fun, I needed to have an end result, otherwise why even bother? So going for a walk is useless, it makes only sense if I walk 10 km!
Do you feel me?
I'm a rider nowadays, I started to ride at the age of 44. If you start riding at this age, you won't be a dressage queen of the championships for sure. I need to keep reminding myself why I'm on the horse, that it is FUN! I do not need to deliver results!
And when my dad hears how much it costs to ride (a lot, I'm telling you) he starts swearing, 'why waste so much money, there is no point in it all.'
Because he doesn't understand that people can do things for fun, without results, and it might even cost a lot of money. That we can do things for pure pleasure. It's called experience.
Fun is useless in dysfunctional families, only results count!
If you grew up in a family like this, you will experience these things:
- if you don't get results (fast enough) you might think your work is useless and you are useless either
- you don't understand fun, you need results
- you measure others and yourself in numbers, statistics, based on performance
- you can't just relax, you need to deliver (walk 10 km, otherwise why even bother)
- holidays? Only with some goals
- you constantly compare yourself to others
- if you don't get results, you give up
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