Keeping it shut, not asking questions, not making them upset and angry, not having problems, trying to become invisible, own the life knowledge of a 70 year' old, deliver things only they can be proud of, making the choices they would make, not questioning their beliefs, being better than the kids of their friends, etc.
Familiar?
WHY?
Parents - and I'm not talking about your parents, but the generations before them either, so better say family dynamics - with unfulfilled needs still keep trying to satisfy their unmet needs.
They don't have time, capacity and effort to fulfill yours, as they are busy with their own. Only they have no idea what they are looking for.
So you stand in their way, under their feet, their inside urge is greater than your needs.
BAD NEWS! If you are raised in such family dynamics, you will become an adult with unfulfilled needs either, because they won't have time and attention to your needs.
BAAHHHH, I've heard this unfulfilled cr@p many times!
COME ON!
Give me something I can relate to, I can understand, because this is CLICHE!!!
Oke, oke!
Let's see what you wanted from your parents as a child? What did you need?
I hear you say:
- I want that my parents listen to me and hear me
- that they are interested in what I have to say, even if it's 'childish'
- that they do not expect me to perform age-inappropriate things, like I do not have to understand their problems
- I want them to take me seriously and they wouldn't laugh at me if I tell them for example my next invention or last dream
- that they are open to learn what scares me and they teach me to deal with it
- that they show me how to regulate my emotions
- that they are open to receive my emotions and thoughts and they won't feel it as a threat
- that they can stand in the tension of my powerful emotions, they are not triggered so they can be helpful
- that they do not blame me for their failures
- that they see me as a person and not as their product
- that they allow me to experiment and do not put me into a safety box
- that they are open to connect with me
- that they are not forcing me to do thinsg that are important for them
- that they are patient with me and do not hurry me to grow up
- that they help me to understand who I am, accept me and support me even if I'm not the person they have expected
BAMMMMM!
You have your answer to your question!
Your parents needed the same things as you need as a child.
They wanted to be ACCEPTED, SUPPORTED, HEARD, SEEN (as they were) ALLOWED, PROTECTED, LOVED.
And the only thing that makes all this possible is the CONNECTION.
And because they didn't experience these things, they haven't learned who they really are, what they prefer, what they are capable of, and so on. They don't know who they are, so they keep looking.
And now they have you.
In their way.
Under their feet.
With your needs.
Not best.
So here they are. Still trying to become the person their own parents wanted them to be. Still trying to fulfill their needs. The more successful they are in fulfilling the needs of their parents the more broken and the less themselves they are. It's pain. They don't know. They've never known.
OKE? WHAT CAN I DO?
For them? Nothing! It's not your business, okay?
But you can start giving yourself the things you always needed: attention, connection, acceptance, support, love.
You will understand yourself and your needs much better and you will make your choices according to this knowledge.
You can let go of the things you did for your parents, like a job. You never wanted to be a lawyer, but always wanted to bake your own cookies? You can move away from your parents now to your own place, or you can move to another country if you always wanted but never dared. You hate the Sunday family lunch, you rather want to join the yoga club in the park? You want to name your daughter to be born as Lindsay and not Caroline - your mother's name?
You are becoming more aware of your needs, desires and wishes. You start living your own life instead of the life your parents have designed for you.
You need to understand a couple of things:
- your parents are not aware all of this. They did it and do it even today unconsciously.
- they did the best what they could, with the mindset they had. And they very probably still have.
- you are not responsible for the emotional well-being of your parents.
- you don't have to forgive them, if you can't! That's not the goal!
- you don't have to change anyone else, just your relationship with yourself.
- changing your relationship with yourself means you change your thoughts about yourself.
- as your relationship with yourself starts changing, the whole family dynamics will start changing. Not everyone will be happy.
- there is nothing wrong with you, it is not your fault! So no blame and shame!
- you are not an annoying burden to anyone, you never was!
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