The SECRET EATERS is a British documentary serie that was aired between 2012 and 2014.
The participants contact the crew that they are heavily overweight, but they themselves absolutely do not see the reason of them being huge and growing, as their diet is said to be ideal, perfect and healthy.
The crew set up cameras in their homes, followed them 24/7 and after 5 days they invited them to show them how and why the kilos crawled up.
No surprise, every participant was a secret eater. You might ask
Sounds interesting, but how is this connected to Inner Child work?
And my answer is:
What we don't see, we can't change.
Let's break this down.
Someone overeats and gains weight. He becomes overweight, obese. He has no idea how it happened, because he doesn't see the whole process. He needs to invite a bunch of people, the witnesses, to prove him that he has been overeating. When the crew has the proof; screen recordings, photos, the report of the family members or colleagues, he is invited into the so-called incident room. There is every food item on the table he had consumed during surveillance, along with the photos they had made of him.
This is the first shock in most cases, the laughter becomes irritated, shameful and forced.
Let's see what's happening here.
I'm gonna call these lies, because this is actually what people unconsciously do: they lie to themselves, because they don't want to see the truth.
Lie nr. 1
If you say that your diet is healthy, it won't make it healthy.
BAMM! This is painful.
As I said most people on the show make some effort to eat healthy, this means for example that they make a huge bowl of salad, then they drown it some cheese sauce, adding like 700 calories to the 50 kcal salad. So this 'fault' comes from not being aware of calorie count.
They have the urge to eat healthy food and follow a healthy diet, but they don't make their homework of checking what is normal, ideal, healthy, acceptable.
Ok, but I still don't see what this has to do with Inner Child work?
Let me show you.
Lie nr. 1
My family background was very good, my family dynamics are excellent.
This is what I told myself and what I hear from other people most of the time. Still I struggled just as they struggle with things daily, which would not actually cause a challenge if they came from a functional family.
What do I mean?
Being always triggered, upset, anxious, flight mode full on is not the signs of being able to deal with things, people, situations in life.
Worrying endlessly about the past or the future, saying and promising things to others at our cost is also not one.
Overworking, oversleeping, overtraining, overeating or drinking, overdosing (undeniable) overdoing things is also not one.
Hiding behind the dreams and desires, not daring to step up and fulfill them also not one.
Trying to control everyone around us not to be triggered or hurt is also not one.
Feeling lonely, abandoned, not being connected, being afraid of being left behind and forgotten is also not one.
This is a very common thing to do, to protect our childhood, our parents and family as grown-ups. Why do we do it? Because we DO NOT WANT TO BE ROBBED OUT OF THE ILLUSION of a lovely childhood. How would we be able to cope with the fact that we were actually neglected, abandoned, mentally, physically abused. That would completely change the color of our childhood, from bright pink to dark blue. Our childhood gives us refuge many times, when we think back at it. I gives us good feelings, good memories what we also had, but it also functions to hide the moments when we were struggling with our feelings after being punished, hurt, ridiculed, laughed out.
We need the illusion of a good and happy childhood to be able to return to a life phase when we - seemingly - still felt good. But thinking of having had a happy childhood won't make it happy.
Lie nr. 2
If no one sees that I'm eating, the calories won't count.
On the screen (in one of the episodes) you see a woman going to the kitchen, opening the box of some eclairs and start stuffing one into her mouth. The funny thing is that her girlfriend is sitting in the living room, watching telly. The woman - to hide her activity - stands in the doorway, facing the telly, the eclair is in her hand, which she hides behind her back, towards the kitchen, casually chatting with her girlfriend.
If her girlfriend saw it, it would have become a sin. Now that no one sees it, it's nothing.
What?! Did you see anything?
No.
Of course not! Nothing happened here.
Let's see how this 'works' in the family dynamics.
Lie nr. 2
If we keep it as a secret, it practically doesn't exist.
Every family has its secrets and as the member of the family we need to guard this secret. No matter what the secret is; child born out of wedlock, alcoholic parent, addictions, physical, or sexual abuse, abnormal living conditions/situations, miscarriage, incest, mental illnesses or simply a family member the family can't accept (we don't talk about Bruno).
So nothing has happened.
Ever.
Complete denial.
But you are still hiding the obvious, and it is actually very uncomfortable. Because these all happened - or at least one of them - but you are not allowed to see it, recognize it, deal with it, and finally heal from it.
Hiding it behind you back, like the woman hides the eclair - does not make it go away.
Lie nr. 3
It was just a small piece.
It was indeed, all eight pieces were small.
So when you eat one small piece of cake, it won't make you fat. If you repeat it seven more times, that is basically a complete cake. And if you often do it, it will make you fat.
Lie nr. 3
My dad hit me only once.
Once every day.
I'm so sorry to break this down to you: if anyone hit you regularly, abused you physically (mentally/sexually) it is not functional.
According to my experience it never happens only once.
All the participants in the SECRET EATERS were convinced that their diet was okay, they knew what was good for them and the kilos were crawling up on them as nasty little creatures. They said things like 'suddenly I gained 36 kilos in half a year'.
Suddenly? - it was half a year.
How can you gain 36 kilos unnoticed?
You can't, I mean your pants won't fit you after a couple of weeks. You don't want to notice it.
They were blind, because if they really opened their eyes, they needed to notice and then they needed to make the changes. A whole crew had to come, set up cameras and follow them for 5 days 24/7 for them to hear that 'yepp, you are secret eaters'.
For the record: every person on the show got help to understand calories, nutrition, how the body works, and then they all successfully lost a lot of weight.
They were in complete denial about their diet, food choices and lifestyle. Only when someone showed them with proof what they were doing in reality, they could accept and say out loud: I'm a secret eater.
When it comes to Inner Child work, the coach - in this case its me - asks you about your family dynamics, your childhood. I can't go back in time with my crew to set up cameras and follow you 24/7 for 5 days to tell you: 'Sweetheart, you are an abused child. I'm not surprised that you are so broken and lonely as an adult.'
I think you just got a little scared of the thought of me (or anyone) seeing your childhood. Because you know that there are some parts you don't want anyone to see them. Situations you are ashamed of, stories you feel embarrassed about, parts that make you very uncomfortable.
All in all: as long as you don't want to know what functional is, you might mistake it with dysfunctional upbringing.
As long as you don't want to release yourself from protecting the family secret, you won't heal. If you dare to do it, you might end up like Bruno Madrigal (Encanto) you will no longer be helpful for your family, you will become a traitor and you are no longer welcome
I love Encanto, you see it, right?
And finally, as long as you don't want to see that your dysfunctional adult life roots in your dysfunctional childhood, you live in denial and you exclude yourself from healing.
Only the truth sets you free - it's not Bruno this time, it's John.
(For the record, I'm not religious.)
The overal message of the host of the SECRET EATERS is that you can't lose weight and change until you clearly know how the weight has come up.
You need to see how, where and when it goes wrong to be able to make the change.
If I break this down to Inner Child work I say: you need to see how you were raised, treated to see your mindset and patterns clearly. Why you think, say and do the things you do. When you see it clearly how and when it went wrong, you will understand that it's NOT YOUR FAULT, as you were not responsible for your own parenting - you were supposed to be parented. And finally you can heal.
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